I feel like I have so many things I love, my baby, my husband, my family, my home, my people, my art, my dog. But sometimes, I feel torn. Not that I want my life to be different, because I don’t. But because sometimes I think about “what if we didn’t move? What if I didn’t have to leave that job? What if I could live in the city that worked best for my career/passion? What if I hadn’t stopped writing my blog?”
Comparison, even if just to yourself, is ugly. I don’t think this was a huge struggle for me before becoming a mom. But now my joy has been found in something I never understood so the things that gave me joy before, (my job, my friends, my city, etc) aren’t in the same order. Don’t get me wrong, I am 1000000000% happy with where I am. Where Reed and I are. Where I get to be every single day with the cutest little girl in the world.
I would not change it. I would not change the road that got us here. But somedays, when I look back my heart hurts. Because I remember the joy that I got from sharing the city with my best friends or going in to work at a job I loved with my whole heart. It is a different joy, they are both wonderful joys. However, I do not need my identity to be found in either of those things. My identity should be found in Christ, my never changing, unwavering Savior, the God who orchestrates my steps and whispers in my ears the direction I should go.
If I can wake up and tell myself daily that I am a daughter of a king who provides me with the strength and grace to parent, the creative ability to paint, the love and patients to concur marriage then I do not need to find my identity in a job title, my proximity to friends, or my love for my daughter.
Instead, He gives me the ability to have them all. He gives me the assurance and the peace to pursue each and every dream He has placed on my heart. No need to fear if I am using my gifts and passions for the right "thing" or the right "moment". No need to worry if I wasted the work I put in just to change jobs. Because those things are not where my hope is found. My hope, my worth, my identity is forever found in Jesus Christ.
So moms, creatives, anyone going through change. Just remember that the comparison game is no good. Don’t look back and think “what if”, continue to take confident steps along the path that is laid before you. Find joy in your savior and allow Him to direct your steps, who knows what unspeakable joy you will find when your eyes are fully on the one who creates it all.